Why Caitlyn Jenner is NOT a Hero to me.

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 I have been biting my tongue on the Caitlyn Jenner media tidal wave. I am now going to break my silence and I am sure the blowback from this will be immense but I feel that it has to be said. Caitlyn Jenner is not a hero. Caitlyn Jenner is just a girl. 

Firstly congrats to her for finally living her truth as her true self. As a person who has put on faces and toughed out being in a bad situation and living a “lie” I get it. I do. But, and this is a HUGE but, in the 70’s after Bruce (I am using her former name because she was Bruce in the 70’s not because I don’t acknowledge fully who she is today, but to refer to her former life as it was) had 2 kids with his FIRST wife, he came out. He told her the whole deal. He was really a woman and that is what he wanted to do. Become his true self. He had the means to transition then. His wife, after first responding with denial and therapy finally respected Bruce’s choice but because she didn’t want to be married to a woman, they divorced. 

While he was SEPARATED from his first wife, Bruce took up with another woman, meeting her at the Playboy mansion. He presented himself as a heterosexual man to her. Mind you this was at the same time he had just TOLD his wife that he was really a woman. He was not upfront with her. He didn’t tell her his secret, instead he wined and dined this woman and married her. Again having TWO children with her. Then again after a few years he told his second wife his big secret, that he was really a woman and wanted to transition.

He got the adams apple surgery and started to take hormones. When his kids started asking why Daddy had boobs his second wife realized that she too didn’t want to be married to a woman and filed for divorce.  This now makes 4 kids that were partially abandoned by him. He was not a good father to them. One ex-wife even opted to not to get child support from him. But he was not there for birthdays, christmas’s, nothing.

Then he changed his mind yet again, stopping the hormone treatments. He again was presenting himself as a hetero man. Bruce meets Kris and her circus of fame and he rides that wave for YEARS and has ANOTHER TWO KIDS! Then when his final two of six children are “old enough” to understand who he really is Bruce FINALLY decides to pull the trigger on becoming his true self 30+ years later after he first revealed who he was.

He was NOT honest with the second two women that he married when he romanced them, when he married them or when he got them pregnant. He partially abandoned his first FOUR children. But none of this is being talked about. All we are hearing is how “BRAVE” Bruce was in his interview with Diane Sawyer. How Bruce/Caitlyn is a HERO for the Trans movement. A “hero” by definition is someone who does the right thing in the face of adversity, no matter the consequences, because it is RIGHT not because it is easy or convenient. I see a person who has gotten to a phase in their life where they have NOTHING to lose. So why not? It is easy to do it now. So many people have come before her. Paved the way with their blood sweat and tears and some with their lives. 

Now he is she. She is Caitlyn. As she put it in the interview with Diane Sawyer, “She” has no secrets. I get it. Caitlyn is a clean slate. She is a new person, she has just been born. And honestly, sincerely, hooray for that. Hooray that you have millions of dollars to become Caitlyn. Hooray that you get the cover of Vanity Fair. But I have a friend transitioning. Where is her parade? Where are all the parades for the THOUSANDS of transpeople out there that AREN’T reality show famous? Will Caitlyn’s story make Trans less of a dirty word? I hope so. That has been FAR too long in coming. But there were plenty of REAL  TransHERO’s before her. (Laverne Cox, Aydian Dowling and Kate Bornstein to name just a few.)

Caitlyn didn’t invent this. She isn’t the first. And she won’t be the last. But in my opinion, because Caitlyn has been born into FAME, she has the responsibility and DUTY to clean up Bruce’s mess and fix the mistakes that he made. Because they are HUGE and glaring. Good luck to her. My less than favorable opinion of Caitlyn has nothing to do with her Transition or that she transitioned. She is beautiful and has a new life ahead of her. BUT the road taken to her new shiny life is paved with too many lies and too many lives hurt in the process for me to jump up and down on the couch for her. She needs to make right what was done in the past. Maybe this is just my own Daddy issues talking, having been abandoned by my own father.

But as a parent I know one truth to be above all others, my happiness is tied FOREVER to the happiness of my children. There is NOTHING more important in the world than being there for my kids and being in their lives as much as I can. Nothing. Living your truth is part of that. I get that. But living your truth can never come at the cost of others. It can never come on the back of a gigantic lie. The abandonment, I am just having a really hard time moving past that. I feel that I just can’t celebrate her. Because she isn’t a hero. She is a beautiful woman, who I wish nothing but happiness for, but I am not baking a cake.

Canada here I come!!!!!!! (Just for a week.)

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It is official. I am going to Canada! I have never been there at all and my first trip is going to be to Toronto to speak about Growing Up in Scientology for a conference being held at the Tynedale University. I am so very excited. And nervous. Nervously Excited? That’s a thing right? I love speaking to people and I have spoken to large audiences before but it has been a while. So time to shake off the rust and get ready!

The event is happening June 22-26 and is open for anyone to attend. Prices are reasonable and I PROMISE it won’t be boring!

Check out the details and full line up of speakers here:

We will cover all aspects of the cult with the help of some of the leading experts — former members, academics and investigative journalists. It will be the first time that the global influence of the cult has been properly scrutinised. Sessions will consist of presentations by the various participants, interviews with luminaries, videos, question and answer sessions and panel discussions. We will bring together activists from around the globe.

The following stars of the counter-Scientology firmament have already confirmed that they will be available in person, by Skype or on video:

Paulette Cooper, author of The Scandal of Scientology and target of the infamous Operation Freakout.

Steven Hassan, the best known cult expert in the world, author of three books, including the best-selling Combating Cult Mind Control.

Tony Ortega, proprietor of the Underground Bunker, to speak about his remarkable new book The Unbreakable Miss Lovely.

Russell Miller, eminent biographer of L. Ron Hubbard and author of Bare-Faced Messiah.

Jesse Prince, former senior Sea Org member and David Miscavige’s auditor, with revelations from his forthcoming book.

Hana Whitfield, founding member of the Sea Org, captain of the Mission Into Time and former leading exit counsellor.

Ursula Caberta, former Hamburg Minister and driving force behind German legislation concerning Scientology.

Nancy Many, author of My Billion Year Contract, and subject of an episode of Dangerous Persuasions (which will be shown at the seminar).

Andreas Heldal-Lund, creator of xenu.net, a/k/a Operation Clambake.

Arnaud Pallison, criminologist, author and advisor to the French courts.

Tory Christman, former OSA agent (and brilliant speaker).

Professor Alexander Dvorkin, for 21 years head of a counter-cult group in eastern Europe, and the main target for Scientology harassment in Russia.

Karin Spaink, journalist and long term Scientology critic, who won a long legal battle against the cult’s attempt to take down her website.

David Pike, head of FACTNet.

Lawrence Wollersheim, who was paid a nine million dollar judgement by Scientology.

Chuck Beatty, former Sea Org member, privy to Hubbard ‘advices.’

David Barrett, PhD, sociologist and author of several books about ‘new religious movements.’

John Duignan, author of The Complex.

Jonny Jacobsen, journalist, who has reported on Scientology for over two decades. Host of Infinite Complacency.

Chris Shelton, former member and advocate of critical thinking.

Nora Crest, second generation member and Celebrity Center staffer. (That’s ME!!!!)

Pete Griffiths, leading activist from Ireland and organizer of Flag Down.

Marta Gorna, Polish activist.

Professor Martin Poulter, expert on belief systems.

Steve Cannane, ABC TV presenter, author of a forthcoming history of Scientology in Australia.

The entire conference will be professionally filmed and edited, and made available to schools and universities around the world. Several companies are interested in creating a TV documentary at the conference, because of the availability of so many luminaries in one place.

The conference will cover Hubbard’s true biography, the beliefs and practices of Scientology, fair game and the intelligence agency (GO and OSA), the RPF, Narconon, finance and the IRS, the celebrity connection, Scientology under Miscavige, violence inside the cult and the exploitative techniques of hard-selling and auditing.

Other noteworthy participants have yet to confirm.

Tickets for the five day seminar and conference are priced at $120 per day or $500 for the five days. There will be concessions for those unable to afford this price. Please apply to the organizers at gettingclear2015@gmail.com

AND IF YOU REGISTER EARLY it is $75 per Day and $350 for the week!

Hope to see you all there!!

Coming to YouTube Growing Up Scientology: From Cradle to Slave

By | Life, Movies, Television, Women, Zen | One Comment

Well I am following up on all my postings here and getting serious. A couple of friends of mine and I are putting together a YouTube Channel called Growing Up Scientology: From Cradle to Slave. It is going to be a place where children who were born into Scientology, and worked for the church like I did. Some as young as 7. The more truth that gets out there about Scientology the better. Because there is an avalanche happening right now. A tidal wave of truth that is being put out by every media outlet, bloggers, twitter, just everywhere that has been created by the momentum of Going Clear. That movie just busted the doors open and is going to allow us to get all the stories out there. The children’s stories have not been told and this channel will give them an opportunity to be heard.

Please check out our trailer and toss some pennies in the pot if you can at our KICKSTARTER or at our INDIEGOGO campaign.

Also check out a little of the back story on how this got started over at TONY ORTEGA’S UNDERGROUND BUNKER.

#TODAY Show revealing that #Scientology’s Leader Spied on His Father Using Tax Free Funds

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This morning, the LA Times had a front page story about how Scientology’s Leader, David Miscavige, used tax free funds from the church to hire private investigators to follow his Father, Ron Miscavige Senior’s every move. Additionally NBC’s TODAY show did an excellent segment about this. I am sure revelation of this comes as a major blow to Ron. As a parent, there are certain lines that you never cross with family. That is out of bounds. Not in Scientology. In fact you are ENCOURAGED to not only go up against but to destroy your family if necessary.

When I was on the RPF, toiling away, it was determined that my mother was a gigantic suppressive force in my life. Mostly because she wouldn’t let me join the Sea Org when I was 12, she had the audacity to want me to get a proper education and have the opportunity to be a kid. Additionally she liked to help me. Like doing my laundry for me and taking me to movies when I could go and GOD FORBID buying me outlandish gifts like Levi jeans and tampons and shampoo. She was REALLY trying to be an “External Influence” (As Scientology calls it) you know because if in the outside world I could have as much tampons and Levi’s that I wanted it was too much sway. Because I should just be happy with the shitty clothes and no food or toiletries that I had. If I were really OT I would just make my periods not a problem and move on with my life.

I ended up writing a terrible Knowledge report on my mother. I was made to do it. I was filled with false memories and anger over imagined injustices and mostly I wanted the pain and mental anguish to stop. If writing this nasty piece of work about my mom was going to make that stop for a moment then I was crying uncle. I hoped she would never see it. I mean I was just a lowly RPFer and she was a very upstat staff member. Surely they would just shred it or something. Nope. Of course she was given it. You know what she said about it to me? Nothing. Not a damn word. Years later after I left and she took me into her home to help me become a person again, years after that when I helped her to leave the church, she finally told me that she had gotten that report. That it had torn her heart out. But despite that she still loved me. Nothing ever changed that for her. That is what it means to be a parent.

I wrote a stupid report. David had his father followed and when the person following his father thought he was having a heart attack he told the PI to let him die. I am not even sure if that qualifies David Miscavige as a human being.


Here’s the video from the Today Show http://www.nbcnews.com/id/21134540/vp/57220625#57220625

Here’s Tony ORtega’s blog with Jenna Miscavige Hill’s response to this development http://tonyortega.org/2015/04/09/jenna-miscavige-hill-on-her-uncle-spying-on-her-grandfather-the-arrogance-is-astonishing/#more-21700



#SNL SKEWERED #Scientology last night with their BRILLIANT Neurotology Spoof.

By | Life, Movies, Television, Women, Zen | One Comment

Last night the world was treated to yet another spot on Saturday Night Live spoof of a very now, very controversial topic, Scientology.

As most of you know, I grew up in Scientology. I worked for 8 years in the Sea Organization and 3 of those were spent in the Rehabilitation Project Force or RPF. Please see my previous posts for all the fun details about that.

Having grown up in Scientology you “KNOW” certain things. You know all mental health except Scientology is wrong and evil and is a billions of years old plot to control mankind and the universe by drugging and beating him into “Unknowingness”. You “KNOW” that ONLY Scientology has the answers to any question that you could possibly pose about anything because L Ron Hubbard went around the world and found the answers to every question that could ever be asked and then he wrote it all down. So no need to look further. And you “KNOW” that when you stand shoulder to shoulder with fellow Scientologists you are making the ENTIRE WORLD better because you sing songs and hand out pamphlets. These things are true and cannot and will not be debated. By anyone ever.

SNL’s brilliant Neurotology video is the PERFECT parody of the actual Scientology video WE STAND TALL. I can’t tell you how many times we were made to watch this video and sing this song. It still haunts my nightmares if that gives you a guess. But last night I laughed harder than I have in a long time. So thank you SNL. WONDERFUL!!

Here’s both videos for you to see just how well SNL did on their parody. Props to the graphics department there at Studio 8H.

How I left the #Scientology RPF and why #GoingClear is the most important film of 2015.

By | Life, Movies, Television, Women, Zen | 46 Comments

(All Scientology terms with a * are defined at the bottom of the post in the order that they appear in the post.)


Today while reading through all the responses to Alex Gibney’s brilliant Documentary, Going Clear, I came across a review of the film by an Independent Scientologist. She was insulted by the film. She was upset that none of the wins and gains were shown. That it was a rehash of “old” data about L Ron Hubbard and that it was trying to smear him and make Scientologists feel bad or dumb for being believers. I should have just kept scrolling. But I didn’t. I pleaded with her to really look at the real data about LRH*. About how he had lied about everything, including the most important thing of all, being handicapped and curing himself using his “tech”. Her response was typical. Should she “toss out” her wins because LRH did some things we all regret when we are young (I NEVER kidnapped my kids, told my husband I chopped them up and then called back saying they were alive. Oh the things young people do!)

So I decided to tell her what the tech did to me. I am putting it here on my blog for the world to see. THIS is what Scientology does. Jason Beghe touches on it for a brief moment in Going Clear as does Hana Whitfield. But here it is, the raw truth.

I have never asked anyone to “toss aside” their wins*. Feeling better about yourself or doing better is never a bad thing. What the film points out and what is hard for people to do once they are swimming in the deep end of Scientology, is to look objectively at the tech. I was a member of the original GAT* team for Celebrity Centre*. COB* talked about ME at the original event. I have 2 RTC* passes on TR’s* 0-4 and 6-9 I have an RTC metering* pass. I trained 1000’s of people. I was the #1 Word Clearer* on the planet. I still hold the record for number of words cleared in a single week. My department was declared in a state of Power* for 6 months in a row by ED Int*. I was the word clearer to celebrities and their families. I was a true believer. I was in the honor guard and I marched on stage at the New Years 2000 event. 

I spent 8 years in the Sea Org* and 3 on the RPF* because I had the audacity, at age 23, to fall in love with my roommate and kiss her. For that I was tossed out, despite my STELLAR unbeaten production record. Despite all the people I trained, marriages I saved, people I personally audited and got into Scientology. I kissed a girl. And because LRH in all his wisdom and “research” determined that being homosexual was perverted, degraded, and evil I was sent to the RPF. For three years I received 100’s of hours of FPRD*. Driving me further and further into my psyche of self doubt and loathing. Not making me better, not “Curing” me of my “Evil” sexual purposes, just making me feel worse and worse and worse about myself. Becoming more and more convinced every day that I really was evil and perverted. That I would never and was not capable of change. And then I wanted to leave because I was no good and I didn’t deserve to be a part of the Sea Org any more. I was so unworthy I BEGGED to leave. 

I did the routing out* sec check* and I did it standardly. I got a fitness board*. It was approved. After I endured 3 years of mental torture, sleep depravation and physical abuse (Two broken ribs and 2 herniated discs in my back) the RPF I/C* held on to my approved fitness board. You heard that right. My approved ticket out of the Sea Org that I begged and pleaded for. He put it in his bottom drawer for 3 months. 3 months he made fun of me. When I asked about it he would slam the door in my face and tell me to go away. He had people pressuring me to stay all day every day. Telling me how I would die. I would become homeless. I would be a prostitute if I left, a druggie. I would be lost for all millennia. That they would get my family to disconnect* from me. That I was such a downstat they would never help me. They would shun me. I would have nothing and no one. Finally I caved. Where else could I go. I said I would stay. He promptly took the Fitness board out of his desk and said, “I knew you would change your mind so I never showed you this.” I was so lost, so spun in on myself, I couldn’t even react. I was numb. 

Then a month or so later I got in trouble. I was smiling at a fellow RPFer*. We were doing our job and I smiled at her. SMILED. I got taken in for an ethics interview to find out if I was trying to have sex with her. If I had kissed her or touched her. I said calmly that this was a joke and I was not going to do this interview. I tried to leave the room. I was forcibly pushed back into my chair. I tried to get my shoes on and leave again. They took my shoes and socks. I tried to walk out again, now three people were putting me in the chair. Again I stood up now dragging three people with me towards the door. (It was 15 feet away.) Now more people came to stop me from leaving. They started to push me to the ground. I had more than 9 people piled on top of me. Each of them holding onto a different part of my body trying to stop me from moving. I was coursing with adrenaline. The door was locked. I was pounding on the door with my one free fist and screaming. Someone started opening the door from the other side, I grabbed at the side of the door with both of my hands and pulled it open with all my strength. Somehow I broke free and I ran. But again I was so delusional I ran not from PAC*, not as far away as I could. I ran, feet bloodied, hysterical to the security office. I was bleeding from my feet and my nose was fractured. I had blood all over my face. It looked like something from fight club. 

The next day my senior, Caroline Mustard, spent almost an hour screaming one inch from my face the most vile, despicable things that you can imagine. Telling me that I was less than worthless, that everyone, especially her, but everyone, including my family, would be better off without me. Because I was useless. I was a burden on everyone around me. I was a terrible person. I was scum. If she could have punched me in the face right then she would have. She wanted to hurt me and she was going to go out of her way to make me regret being alive for as long as she could. I decided to go scrub walls and cry. I did that for 2 hours straight. Crying and scrubbing and crying and scrubbing non stop for two hours. Then I decided she was right. I was a piece of shit and no one loved me. I was a pervert and I would never be better because the tech didn’t work on me because I was an SP*. I was never going to change because I couldn’t. I was so far gone as a being that Scientology, man’s one salvation couldn’t reach me. It was too late.

So I locked myself in a supply closet. I decided this was the end for me. I took a pair of scissors and I tried to slash my wrists. They were so dull. I pushed really hard, over and over again on my wrist but it wouldn’t cut. I thought to myself. I can’t even KILL myself properly! How fucking pathetic is that. Then I saw the bleach. I decided since it was industrial strength it wouldn’t take too much. I poured a large capful. I closed my eyes. All I could think of was, “I’m sorry Mom.” I drank the bleach. It was like drinking liquid fire. I couldn’t breathe. My body ached everywhere. My eyes went black for a minute. And then I fell backwards out of the closet clutching my throat. Not breathing but screaming, silently for help. Finally I started to wretch and cough. From that point forward the “Suicide drill*” went into effect. They got me off the base immediately. Megan Shields, a Scientologist Doctor, who was down the street from PAC refused to treat me. 

They took me to Olive View in Sylmar where I had to lie repeatedly to the doctor about what had happened. I had to make up and rehearse a story so I didn’t get put on SUICIDE WATCH AFTER TRYING TO COMMIT SUICIDE. The doctor didn’t believe me. Quinn Tauffer was in the ER with me staring at me as I told my story. Making sure I didn’t waiver or ask for help or try to leave. Even then. Even when I had tried to die to get out of there they were controlling me. I couldn’t even die on my own terms.

Then they sent me live at the Extended Stay America in Burbank with two other female RPFers. The next day I got 1 session to “run the evil purpose that made me want to kill myself” and then a couple of days after that I was taken to OSA* put on camera and made to sign waivers. Then they drove me home. 

Now I tell you this gruesome story not for shock and awe purposes. I tell you this to show you what the technology of Scientology does. That this is the end product. “Oh you didn’t get ‘Standard Tech*'” is what I hear all the time. Like that makes it alright. But yes, actually I did. I got Scientology. If you knew how regulated the RPF tech is you would be amazed. It is more closely monitored than ANY other aspect except maybe Tom Cruise’s sessions. These things that were done to me were right out of Flag Orders*, HCOB’s* HCO PL’s* that L RON HUBBARD wrote. I was treated the way HE thought was standard. Scientology and L Ron Hubbard’s “technology” almost killed me. Almost drove me insane. ALMOST. 

So when I ask you, Scientologists, to please, do the research, really get to know L Ron, really dive into who he was and yes EVERYTHING he did in his life because it DOES matter, I say that from a place of massive amounts of experience and love. All I want is for NO ONE ELSE to ever get to the low I was at. No technology or religion for that matter that is supposed to help people to be better should EVER make anyone feel the way I felt. Then it is not a religion. It is not help. It is evil. And before you finish this story and say, “Well that is so terrible to have happened to you. I am sorry you experienced that, that you had bad people around you who did things wrong to make you feel badly.” Like I am the only one. I am not the only one who had things like this and believe it or not WORSE happen to them. Not by a long shot. That is why Going Clear is so vital. To start to expose the truth. To let a crack of light in the darkness that is Scientology so that the ones still inside can be rescued and others can be prevented from ever falling into the trap to begin with. 

Saying that Scientology is alright because you had wins, “so it isn’t all bad” is the same as saying smoking is alright because it makes you feel good and you don’t have cancer. Scientology is evil and drives people to madness in the same way that smoking kills people. Just because something makes you feel good occasionally doesn’t mean it is good for you.


LRH- Lafayette Ronald Hubbard founder of Scientology.

wins- abilities gained or improvements in self as a result of Scientology procedures or training.

GAT- Golden Age of Tech a rewriting and reworking of the technology of Scientology that was first done in 1996 and then again in 2013.

Celebrity Centre- The Church of Scientology located at 5930 Franklin Ave in Hollywood. It is the home for Celebrities from all walks of life and yes Tom Cruise and John Travolta have both done services there.

COB- Chairman of the Board of RTC (Religious Technology Center the highest organization in Scientology and the holder of al the Trademarks.) David Miscavige

RTC – Religious Technology Center the highest organization in Scientology and the holder of al the Trademarks.

TR’s- Training Routines. There are 10 in total. 0-9. Each one deals with another level of communication. They are a requirement for anyone who wants to become a practitioner in Scientology called and “Auditor”. An Auditor is one who runs the processes of Scientology on another person.

metering- The course that teaches you how to use the Scientology E-Meter or Electro Psycometer. It is a machine that Scientologists believe help them see peoples thoughts and thereby guide the person through their therapy and help them to erase traumatic incidents from the past.

Word Clearer- a person who works in Scientology Course Rooms assisting people to understand all the words they are reading by using dictionaries and grammar books to help them.

Power- In Scientology there are various conditions of Existence. They are on a Scale from Power down to Confusion. Power being the highest and Confusion the lowest. When you are in Power, it is akin to being untouchable. You are such a massively amazing producer that no one can touch you. Nothing bad can happen to you because you produce so much.

ED Int_ Executive Director International. The post that is supposed to be the Executive Director over all Scientology Organizations on the Planet.

Sea Org- Sea Organization. A secret fraternal organization of Scientologists that pledge themselves for the next Billion Years to work for Scientology. They work an average of 75 hours a week, 7 days a week for $35-$50 a week. They live communally at the organizations that they work for and are trusted with the secret Upper levels of Scientology.

RPF- Rehabilitation Project Force this is a program located in Hollwood California at the Big Blue complex of buildings on Sunset Blvd and L. Ron Hubbard Way. This is where Sea Org members are sent who mess up on their post. Or if the engage in extra marital affairs, damage the Organization in any way or have critical thoughts about L Ron Hubbard, or COB. People have been sent there for THINKING about having an affair. Like daydreaming about it. While on the RPF you work more hours at HARD MANUAL LABOR and get paid $11.25 a week. You are required to RUN everywhere. There is no walking. You are not allowed to talk to ANYONE outside of the RPF at any time for anything unless they speak to you first.

FPRD- False Purpose RunDown. This is a process in Scientology that tracks down all of the bad things that you have done in your life, earlier and earlier until you get to the bottom of the list and find the “Evil” purpose that caused you to do all of those things. EG you stole a candy bar at work from the lounge last week. You look earlier and you did that when you were 25, earlier still you did that when you were 10 and the earliest time you did that was when you were 7. Then you would be asked, “What evil purpose did you have just before that?” And you would answer with something like, “To steal all the candy.” And viola you won’t ever steal candy bars again.

routing out- This is the team Scientology uses for leaving their employment. You have to go through a checklist of steps in order to leave them.

Sec Check- Short for Security Check. This is a process that involves getting you to confess crimes. Extremely personal and probing questions are asked over and over until you are “clean”.

fitness board- This is a process in the Sea Org that consists of a committee of people who look over evidence given by yourself and  others and determine your “fitness” to be in the Sea Org or not. It is also the committee that you have to testify before in order to “route out” of the Sea Org.

RPF I/C- Rehabilitation Project Force In Charge. This person is running the hundreds of people who are in the enslavement camp known as the RPF.

disconnect- In Scientology when you are critical of or leave the church your friends and family are required to sever all ties with you in order to continue their membership and enlightenment. This can be friends, family, co workers even minor children who are left out in the cold in order to stay in Scientology.

RPFer- Someone who is on the Rehabilitation Project Force. (See above.)

PAC- Pacific Area Command. This is the group of buildings that are located on Sunset Blvd in Hollywood.

SP- Suppressive Person. According to Scientology someone hellbent on ONLY destruction of everything and everyone. Hilter is the example they use. But they give the same title to ANYONE who speaks out against Scientology in any capacity.

Suicide Drill- This is a procedure that happens at any Scientology Organization when someone attempts suicide. There is a checklist to ensure that there is ZERO blow back on the church in any way shape or form. Basically the person is disappeared off of the property and NEVER allowed to return. All evidence of them is trashed and they are disconnected from by everyone as soon as possible.

OSA- Office of Special Affairs. Essentially the spy wing of Scientology. They are in charge of discrediting any and all dissenters and bringing all legal suits against them.

Standard Tech- This is the delivery of the Scientology in the EXACT way as described by L Ron Hubbard in his writings and lectures.

Flag Orders- These are issues written by LRH while he was on the “Flag Ship” Apollo when he first formed the Sea Org. These are the issues that govern the Sea Org and lay out it’s laws and punishments.

HCOB’s- Hubbard Communication Office Bulletin’s- These are issued on Cream paper with red ink. They contain the technical processes of Scientology and Dianetics. Written by LRH.

HCO PL’s- Hubbard Communication Office Policy Letters- These are issued on Cream paper with Green Ink. They lay out the Administrative directives of Scientology. Written by LRH.













#GoingClear a Second Viewing brings more into focus

By | Life, Movies, Television, Zen | 2 Comments

Dear World,

I will be honest. The first time I saw Going Clear, at LACMA, with my mother and a room filled with strangers I was partially terrified. Maybe someone would try and bomb the building? Maybe someone would attack us? Would security from Celebrity Centre be there to get in my face? And when certain visuals happened on the big screen, like seeing the Big Blue building in Los Angeles, looking at that monstrosity larger than life again, panic swept over my body. I had the urge to leave my seat. Leave the entire building and run for my life. As a result of the panic attack I was having for pretty much the entire movie, I missed parts of it. Things would appear on the screen, the Sea Org Contract, and memories would flood back. And I would get lost in them.

Last night, in the comfort and safety of my own home I watched Going Clear for a second time. I watched again with my Mother, Kathy, my husband Cameron, who hadn’t seen it yet but who’s story is very similar to mine, and my mothers brother and his wife who were never in. I experienced the movie on a whole other level. The buildings were this time, not larger than life. They weren’t bigger than me. So there was no terror. I watched as my Uncle and Aunt gasped and shook their heads in horror at all of the revelations. They kept looking around the room at us like, “Holy hell, how did you live through this??” Looking at it through their eyes shows how truly terrible a group Scientology is. How terrifyingly wretched they have become and really have always been.

For those of you who have just come out, or were thinking about coming out of Scientology and you watched last night, and didn’t sleep well, and are still in shock this morning, I want to say to you; It is going to be alright.

Yes those things are true. Yes they are terrible. No you did not know they were happening. You couldn’t. We, members of the Sea Org, are ordered within an inch of our lives to smile and be happy AT ALL TIMES in front of the public. We are ORDERED to LIE to you. To TRICK you and MANIPULATE you into believing the fairy tale that Scientology is not only handling ALL OF THE EVIL of the entire world but that by merely donating money you have somehow stopped a billions of years old intergalactic evil empire and are making a difference in the entire universe. For that I am deeply and sincerely sorry.

The good news. You have now peeked behind the curtain. You know that this dog and pony show is a dog and pony short of a show. Now what? Well, have a good cry. Seriously. It is alright. Let it out. Smack a pillow around for a bit and let out the anger that you are feeling. Then when you have done that, take some deep breaths. Relax for a minute. You are alive. You are an able person. And now that you know the truth you can actually, for the first time, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Yes you. The person reading this letter. You right now. Learn more. Read everything you can on the subject. Talk to more people who have left. We all have stories.

Oh but maybe you disconnected from us? Maybe you deleted us on Facebook with a nasty note. Maybe you fired us from our jobs, or wouldn’t rent to us anymore. Reach out. Do the human thing and apologize. We will listen. We have (some of us) had time to heal and learn. Listen. Really listen to your own heart and mind for the first time and be a human being again. We are all human. We are not perfect. But we are here. We are ready to tell you our stories. We are ready to help you to tell yours and to get back your life.

And for those of you reading this that haven’t yet seen Going Clear, please do see it. If you know a Scientologist, be ready to help them. They need it.

Paul Haggis tells it straight on what it is REALLY like to be trapped in #Scientology

By | Life, Movies, Zen | 2 Comments

Tony Ortega has published a fabulous article today talking with Paul Haggis about his experience since doing “Going Clear” and what it is like to be trapped in Scientology. In part of the article Paul states,

It took years after leaving to understand that these practices I railed against had always been at the core of Scientology — that Miscavige was just very faithfully, if cynically, following L. Ron Hubbard’s cruel playbook. The reason this was hard to believe is exactly because of the duplicitous nature of Hubbard’s writing. He wrote tomes on the practice and necessity of critical thought; how nothing should be accepted at face value. His “ethics formulas” stress that when making a difficult decision you have to push aside all personal bias and truly look at what people are doing, not just what they are saying. “Look, don’t listen” is oft repeated advice — but it is advice given to the blind. All these high-minded teachings are useless when you factor in the thing you are never allowed to question — Scientology, its teachings, practices and leadership.

Somehow Scientologists are able to accept those incongruous and contradictory thoughts. For example, they truly believe that only Scientology can save the world, and that they are making major strides in this direction every year. They hold onto this belief despite the fact that there isn’t even a modicum of evidence that they are having even the tiniest impact on any problem in any part of the globe. Scientologists simply accept the assurances of the church leaders that it is so. To the contrary, volumes of compelling evidence from unimpeachable sources that their organization has done and is doing serious damage to thousands of people is dismissed before it is ever inspected.


Paul has managed to sum up succinctly what it is like to be trapped inside. And the brilliance of the trap is before you know it you are trapping yourself. No one has to tell you. When I was in 9th grade I was living in Eureka, CA. We had just moved there a year earlier and I was the new girl. I had made friends with a few people and my bestie, Nathan had a long time BFF Kirk who lived right next door to me. Nate came over every day. We did everything together. I was a MAJOR idiot and I did not know that he was secretly in love with me. I just thought he was mega cool. Well the fact that Nate and I were palling around all the time really got under Kirk’s skin, especially when I told Nate that he should not do drugs or smoke pot. (As a note, Eureka is in Humbolt county. America’s Pot Growing Capital. I was LITERALLY the only kid who was NOT growing marijuana on my property. So I was SUPER popular with my say no to drugs stance.) One day Kirk came up to me with a shit eating grin and told me that my religion had made the cover of TIME magazine and that I should go check it out. I got a pass to the library and ran there I was so EXCITED!!!!
When I saw the cover I thought it was a misprint. A joke. The CULT of GREED?? WHAT?? NO!! NO WAY!. I snatched it off the shelf and I was such a rebel I just stole it from the Library. (Sorry Eureka High School. I am NOT paying that 25 year overdue fee!) I went into a bathroom and proceeded to read the entire article. My heart was palpitating and I was sweating. I immediately got sick. I thought this is it. I am going to get Cancer and die right now. Why did I read that?? Why did I look at this entheta? I knew “LOOKING” at OT materials was a sure and swift death yet I did it any way. I must be an SP. I am a terrible person.
I brought it home to my mother. She was upset about the whole thing. But none of her reassurances would put me at ease. I was sure I was going to get cancer right then and die. We called my godfather who was on OT VII at the time. I told him what I read and he hysterically laughed at me and told me in no way was that was what was on OTIII so don’t worry about it.
Years later I talked to my dad about it (SUPER LONG STORY but he disappeared for almost 2 years so he was unavailable to help me then.) And he said, “Well you are a Last Lifetime Clear so chances are you are already OTIII anyway so it can’t hurt you.” Ahhhh my dad always with the pearls of wisdom and reassurance shoving me deeper and DEEPER into Scientological bullshit.
I beat myself up FOR YEARS about that incident. I got several sec checks regarding it. I ran Evil purposes about it.
And that my friends is the trap. Once you believe, once you “know” Scientology, there is no other truth. There is no other data and you will keep yourself in the deep end, drowning in lies and propaganda until someone reaches in there and pulls you out.
That is what we are all doing here at the Bunker, on Twitter, on YouTube, on our Blogs. Many of us realized we were in that pool, drowning and clawed our way out. Some of us had help. But ALL of us out here, standing on the edge of the pool need to strap on our life preservers and jump in and keep dragging people out to safety. These last guys are wearing weights down there and they don’t have too much time left.

Tony’s full interview can be found here on his Blog The Underground Bunker!

Alex Gibney’s #GOINGCLEAR Documentary cut me to the bone

By | Life, Movies, Women, Zen | 81 Comments

Having grown up in Scientology I was steeling myself to see on the big screen the hard truths about my former religion. I knew that there would be things that would make me uncomfortable and some that might make me laugh so I was ready for it all.

My mother and I arrived at LACMA just before 4pm. The showing started at 7:30. We wanted to beat the traffic, get parking and get some food and a good spot in line. So when we did line up, just after 5pm we were the 5th and 6th people in line. We were sitting next to a lovely young couple, Liz and Ryan and another gentleman named Rob. Ryan asked us if we had read the Lawrence Wright’s book “Going Clear” I said, “My mother has but I lived it. I didn’t need to read about it.” Which then sparked a 2 1/2 hour Q and A session with me and my mother about our years in Scientology. They were very keen to hear all our stories and ask tons of questions. It was really nice. There were a couple of people in front of them that kept turning around scowling at us and getting on their phones (Seriously OLD ass flip phones) and possibly taking some pictures of us. I didn’t really care because nothing I said was untrue. So record and report away.

When the lights dimmed at LACMA’s Bing Theater and the film was about to start I started clapping furiously. I was the only one for about 5 seconds, in that eternity I realized, I FUCKING HATE CLAPPING. It is one thing that you are forced to do CONSTANTLY in Scientology. Somebody shares a realization in the classroom, clap. Somebody achieves a new status, clap. Go to an event, EVERY TIME A STATISTIC IS REVEALED CLAP. If COB says something AMAZING, STAND and CLAP. Someone thanks L Ron Hubbard, STAND and clap and give three cheers. So much fucking clapping. It was in that moment that I was genuinely happy about something clapping that I realized that it was one of the many things that had been stolen from me. An ability to genuinely show happiness and exuberance without dread and regret.

Then the film came. It was a PACKED house. Filled with a few celebrities, Joel Egerton, Camryn Manheim and a few others. Also Tom Devoct, and Spanky Taylor who are in the film were there. Before the film started I saw Larry Anderson. He was the star of a few of Scientology’s Technical Training films and he left a few years ago, tape recording his ordeal for posterity. I spoke with him before the film started and thanked him for doing what he did and told him that he had helped so many people. Mostly the people who were there were older LA types who were members of Film Independent who were never in Scientology but were fascinated or who just wanted to see the hottest ticket to come out of Sundance. Before the lights had dimmed there was electricity in the air. People were talking and looking around and getting very excited about the whole thing.

If you have read the book it is a very good visual representation of it. It is an excellent movie over all. Very well put together. An excellent combination of the live interviews that Alex does with the people featured in the film combined with Church event and promotional footage and news reel info. It paints a very accurate and scary picture of a secretive cult that lures you in and takes from you your self determinism with promises of powers and improvement.

It also goes deeper than any other film that I have seen, about L Ron Hubbard, you get to see the what happened to him leading up to him creating Scientology. The hardest part of viewing this film for me was when they spoke of the Sea Organization and signing a Billion Year Contract. They showed the contract on the screen. I immediately became filled with anxiety and dread. I was embarrassed as a majority of the film goers laughed, loudly, at the idea of signing away a BILLION years of your life. It made me angry. When I made that pledge I really was willing to sacrifice a billion years of my existence for the betterment of all mankind, even those assholes that were laughing. I felt like they would never make a commitment like that. To selflessly help everyone, even people they hadn’t met or ones who thought they were crazy. Then I reminded myself I was no longer bound to that. I wasn’t in that trap. And I got calmer. It is irrational and I know that but seeing that contract just took over an old area of my mind, one that I thought was long gone after just over a decade out of the church.

But the truth is I am constantly reminded of the church. In my frequent nightmares. In all of them I am there. Trapped in my old job trying to do everything differently but still ending up with the same terrible results. Often I wake suddenly in a panic, covered in sweat. It takes a moment but I realize I am at home, in bed with my husband and I am alright.

This film doesn’t cover every aspect of what it is like to be in. It couldn’t possibly in 2 hours. This film is about belief and how that can become a prison even for the most intelligent of people. It is an excellent film showing how, over time, you gradually fall into the chasm of cult like mindless behavior. It isn’t instant.

Most of the attendees were never in. They were electrified. In disbelief. “How could Paul Haggis stay so long?” “Didn’t he know?” I think everyone likes to think they are above any swindling. They would know better. They would NEVER fall for anything like that. They would have seen through it from the get go. They are smarter than that. It was like they were all slowing down for a gruesome crash on the highway, almost parking so they could really take in the carnage and sneer at it, “Look at those idiots! I NEVER drive like that. Only total morons would ever die so horrifically in a ridiculous crash! Hrumph!”

So I say to you, dear people, who didn’t live through the absolute insanity that is Scientology, to those of you who haven’t had to claw your way out of a seemingly endless abyss, kicking and screaming, fighting for your sanity and sometimes losing all your friends and family in the process, kindly, don’t judge. You weren’t there. You don’t know what it is like. You didn’t live it. You haven’t lost decades of your life to a cult. You didn’t maim yourself doing 16 hours a day of slave labor. Be kind. Be helpful. Be there for people who were. They need your help and your patience. They are like newborns, coming into the real world for the first time and they need your love.

I won’t spoil the hardest hitting portion of the documentary, but this film flat out calls out John Travolta and Tom Cruise. I hope they step up to the mic and take responsibility for their hand in these crimes.

Who should see this movie? Everyone. Everyone who can. The real story about Scientology has been lingering in the shadows for too long and this film shines the light of truth on it like a thousand spotlights. It can’t be unseen. It can’t be denied or shooed away as just former disgruntled members being sour grapes. It is hard to see and hard to believe but I can tell you it is all true. And it’s not even the whole story.

I spoke with both Lawrence Wright and Alex Gibney after the film to thank them both for doing this. I asked Alex if he would consider making another film about people like me, born into Scientology, one of the few who did sign that billion year contract and worked for the church and spent time on the RPF and escaped. He said that he was hearing so many stories that there was definitely another movie there. So wait for it folks, the whole story may come out. Hopefully I can get a few minutes of screen time to tell mine.