A Very Public Announcement About A Very Private Matter

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Some of you may have seen the latest video I made. In the video I speak very frankly about the fact that I am gay. And I wanted to address the question that I have gotten more than once about this subject, “If you’re GAY, how does that work since you’re married to a man?” Well it doesn’t work. That’s the answer.

Cameron and I have been together 13 years in January. We have been through so much together. Leaving Scientology, having a family, making a business together and so much more. Making this latest video brought a very hard truth to light. Even though I knew I was gay I was still not being true to myself. So Cameron and I had the hardest talk we have ever had, about us, and what we mean to each other. Our marriage was born with love, as were our children, and so our marriage is ending with love. We are moving forward with love, we will always be a family.

Growing Up vs. Growing Old

By | Life, Women | 4 Comments

I’m about to get real personal.

Be forewarned that this post is going to contain talk about female body parts, so if you are a lady, a girl, or know a lady or a girl that you care about this post is IMPORTANT and please keep reading.

When I was a young girl I was what is considered to be a “late bloomer.” I would literally pray every night for my period to start and for me to have boobs. All my friends, starting in 6th grade were getting boobs and I was severely left out. Boys would make fun of me constantly, calling me “a pirates dream, a sunken chest” or “a carpenters dream, flat as a board and never been nailed.” Ahhh growing up in the 80’s was such a dream. At least our insults were more than just “whore”, “slut,” and “bitch.” All through Jr. High I was the only girl who hadn’t gotten her period or boobs. Going into my freshman year of High School I FINALLY hit 5 feet tall. I was so excited. Now maybe the boobs would come. And they did. Along with my period. Which of course came at the BEST time. Right in the middle of basketball tryouts. I thought I was peeing myself. But no, just an uncontrollable flood of blood.

I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. This had never happened. So I just pulled my shirt down over my blood soaked shorts and continued playing one handed the best I could. There I was surrounded by a ton of girls embarrassed for being a girl. Funny how that happens.

I didn’t know what I was wishing for then. I thought getting my period meant I was a “woman” now. That I was “Growing UP.” Like that would come with some sort of superpower or that I would start to look like Linda Carter and BE Wonder Woman. Actually all it meant was that I was fertile and had the ability to bear children. I didn’t realize that it would REALLY be every month, I mean, they told us that in Health class that it would, but I really thought they were exaggerating. I didn’t realize that EVERY month I would be going through this and that there would be PAIN involved. LOTS of pain. And I didn’t get to skip school for those 5-10 days, or not play basketball or be alive, I just had to keep going. Eventually of course I got used to it and knew when it was coming and got copious amounts of chocolate to get myself though it.

So looking back on the beginning of it all, 25 years ago, is making me happy and sad at the same time. Then I was “Growing Up” now I am just “Growing Old.” Today is the first day of my last period ever. How do I know that? Well I know that for sure because on the 27th of this month I am having a Hysterectomy. What? You just turned 40! Aren’t you a little young for that? Are you sure you want to do that?

Yes I just turned 40 and yes I am slightly young to be needing this procedure. BUT, I have needed it for some time. And this is why I want all of you ladies and anyone who cares about ladies to pay attention.

I have two beautiful children. They are turning 11 and 8 this year in the fall. I was overweight when I got pregnant with both of them, but I lost all the weight I gained while pregnant. I have done various diets over the years, everything from Vegan to gluten free. And a teeny bit of weight would come off. I would exercise, I walked, I ran on a tread mill, lifted weights, swam, P90Xed and everything in between. And a TEENY bit of weight would come off. But the last few years I have really just felt like a hot pile of shit most of the time. I have been having a terrible time sleeping, night sweats, and a LOT of pain in my “stomach”. No matter what I ate I seemed to have this pain.

When I would bend over to tie my shoes, pain. When I would lift something slightly heavy, pain. I thought this pain was because I was “fat”. I thought that when you are fat it caused you pain. This year I FINALLY got some health insurance that was worth a damn and I decided to get EVERYTHING checked. I got an MRI, a CT scan, an EEG all to check WHY I was having migraines, all NORMAL. I got a full physical, all tests were NORMAL. Blood pressure, NORMAL. And finally I got every woman’s FAVORITE exam, the Pap Smear. That too was NORMAL except right after having it my period started. Which shouldn’t have happened since I have been on the pill for more than a year and I was in the MIDDLE of the month of pills. No where near starting my period.

I noticed too that if I missed my pill by even a few hours my period would start, even if it wasn’t supposed to start for another 10 days, and it would continue until I started a new pack. This was very upsetting and energy draining. Having a period, that is HEAVY as hell for 10-15 days a month just makes it near impossible to get anything done. I found myself sleeping a lot during these months and wondering what was wrong. I seriously thought I was dying or had cancer or something.

I got an appointment with an OB and told her everything. She agreed that none of this was normal. She suggested and IUD which would stop my periods for 5 years and then we could reevaluate afterwards because it was early for a hysterectomy. I said, “Sign me up!” No periods for 5 years? YES please. She proceeded with the “manual” exam to check my uterus, she told me, “Your Uterus is huge.” I was pretty sure that wasn’t a compliment, so I asked, “is that bad?” She said not necessarily but it could mean that the IUD could fall out. Great. Now my Uterus is the Grand Fucking Canyon. We both decided to give it a go anyway. Worst case scenario, it would fall out. Before they put the IUD in they have this dipstick looking plastic thing that measures how big your uterus is so they don’t put the IUD in there too far and perforate your Uterus. As she was doing this she told me my Uterus was “tilted” and had to be “Stabilized” but it was no big deal. I said alright. As she was “stabilizing” my uterus I experienced more pain than I ever have in my life. I couldn’t breathe, and I just started bawling. She stopped everything. I almost passed out. They brought me some juice and the OB hugged me.

Now she was concerned. This, the pain I experienced, that was still vibrating in my groin, was NOT a good sign. She wanted to do some tests and then we would talk about the next step. The tests were an Ultrasound of my Uterus and Ovaries, both the outtie one where you drink water like a camel while they put pressure on your tummy to see everything and of course the INNIE one when you get the wand up your Vagina to see even more. SO much fun. And then a biopsy of the Uterus. Pap Smears only test for CERVICAL Cancer. Nothing else. And the ONLY way to test for Uterine cancer is a biopsy which meant I was going to have to go through the Uterus stabilization AGAIN. This time I got Percocet for that and THANK ALL the GODS for Percocet!  I was a nervous wreck following the biopsy. It took days to get the results and despite the Percocet helping during the procedure I needed MORE following it.

FINALLY I heard back that it was negative. No Cancer. Now what? When I saw my doctor she told me what the ultra sound had found. I have over 30 fibroid tumors all over my uterus. One, that was well over 3cm long was perforating the Uterine wall and that would be why I had so much pain. And to clarify the “Huge uterus” statement she explained, a normal Uterus is about the size of your fist. A little smaller even. (See Diagrams) When you have your period it swells a little and then goes back to normal after. My uterus, ALL the time was the size that  a 4-5 month pregnant woman’s would be. (See Diagrams) Which is about the size of a Rugby Ball. Well NO WONDER I was in constant pain and having trouble eating and pooping. I have been walking around HALF FUCKING PREGNANT for a few years. Everything made total sense to me then.  I decided, I already had two beautiful children and I wasn’t planning on having more and that I wanted the Hysterectomy. She agreed, since there was no way to reduce the size of my Uterus back to normal.











So that brings me to today and starting the last period I will ever have. It is bittersweet to be sure. But I feel like right now I have control of my life and I am headed toward healing and health in a way that I haven’t in a long time.

Why did I write all this down? I want EVERY woman to take care of themselves. DO not think that PAIN is normal. We are SO incredibly strong, us women. We deal with pain of our periods, pain of childbirth and we just keep going. But LIVING in pain is not normal or healthy. Talk about your UTERUS and VAGINA. They are not bad words. It is important to know what is going on with them. So please talk to your OB and if you don’t have an OB GET ONE. Can’t afford it? Go to Planned Parenthood. They can help you out. YOU ARE WORTH IT.

So cheers to you, my final Period. You served me well. Thank you Uterus for my two beautiful Boys that I treasure more than anything in the world. Farewell. I will miss you, but seriously not that much, I mean NO MORE PERIODS EVER!!! YAY! Growing “OLD” isn’t so bad.

Talking Scientology and taking the truth VIRAL.

By | Life, Women, Zen | No Comments

Well it has been a while since I have posted here. There has been A LOT going on personally with me and behind the scenes of getting the word out there about Scientology.

Recently and article that I had been working to get out since last October was released. The Daily Mail did an EXTRAORDINARILY wonderful piece about me. Which you can read here:


That story went VIRAL being picked up by countless news outlets online. From that article I was asked on several radio shows and even interviews for THE MORNING SHOW in Australia.


And now this morning Tony Ortega and his amazing Blog THE UNDERGROUND BUNKER have featured my interview with Allison Weiner on her show Media Mayhem.

#Scientology Homophobia

By | Life, Women, Zen | 7 Comments

Today the great reporter Tony Ortega debuted my new video on his site The Underground Bunker. It is beyond an honor to be on his site so thank you Tony for that.

As you may have read earlier in my blog, I got sent to the RPF for being gay while I worked for Scientology. If not you can read that post here.

This video was  rough for me to say the least. This is a more than a peek behind the curtains into my mind. I have ripped the curtains off and revealed myself. This is still a very tender subject for me. It has been 13 years now since I left, Next month. That is a long time but I am still healing. This video is a part of that process. Thank you for watching.

APPLE Live Blog!!!!

By | Life, Technology or Nerd Central, Women | No Comments

Ok it is T-Minus 1 minute! Just waiting for it to start!

Tim Cook has just walked out and is doing the intro!


“Monster announcements across SEVERAL of our product lines.”

Starting with Apple Watch!












Jeff williams takes the stage.

New features. Time Travel to see your schedule and transit to maps!

Apps can now display video.

Facebook messenger coming to the watch

as well as iTranslate, GOPro turning the watch into a view finder for the camera.

Dr. Cameron Powell now on stage talking about their app AirStrip. How it works to give them their schedule and diagnosis, lab work, and vital signs for each patient.

Even live real time vitals. You can compare current vitals to the ones from the past to see what the pattern is.

This app can be used to monitor pregnant women and unborn babies from home!

Hermes now offering watch bands.

Video now of the new watch models and bands.

Adding now a gold and rose gold finishes.

Product Red Band for the Stainless Steel case.

New models Ship today and the new OS is available September 16th.



iPAD is up NEXT!!









Video now of new iPad.

Looks pretty sleek. Its HUGE.

iPad PRO.

Phil Schiller up now to talk about iPad Pro.

Multitasking with iOS 9

Huge screen + better Keyboard.

12.9″ on the diagonal.

iPad Air on the Left iPad Pro on the Right.






































iPad Pro vs iPad Air









iPad Pro vs Original iPad












And a PENCIL!!!!!










Demos now showing the keyboard and Pencil. MICROSOFT is now coming to do a Demo!!!

No that is not a typo. There is a Microsoft Executive giving a demo of Microsoft Word on the iPad Pro using the pencil and other groovy tools. Now going into POWERPOINT!

Now an ADOBE update/Demo

New Medical application now. Real Time 3D modeling to show where injuries are.



























Video now of the iPad Pro.

Apple TV up next









The future of TV is Apps.

Integrated with Siri, new remote with swipe touch.










Siri will search across all content apps and give them all to you on a single screen, HULU NETFLIX HBOGO and iTUNES.

Apple TV Demo now.

App store access as well.

Siri has amazing controls.

Now showing what the apps can do on the TV. Basically they have taken a lot of the apps from iPad and iPhone to the big screen. Netflix, HBO Go, HULU Games and more.

Crossy Road demo for Apple Tv.

Apps can be used with the remote or iPhone or iPod Touch for Multiplayer.

You can get universal apps, which means they will be on the TV, iPad and iPhone. You can pick up your game from iPhone right on the TV.

















Up Next iPhone!!










iPhone 6S and 6S Plus.









Rose Gold finish. New Alloy. Same one that is used in the space industry.

4.7″  5.5″ displays with new glass.


Now with 3D touch.

Giving tactile feed back. allowing you to go through apps and information faster.

Demo of 3D Touch right now showing how fast it makes getting into and out of apps. it looks AMAZING.

A9 chip. 64 bit.


Demo of gaming on the new iPhone.

Hey Siri demo just turned on the Hey Siri feature on my phone. That was hilarious.

New Camera features.

12MP iSight Camera!!!

Autofocus faster.

Noise reduction for Photo color quality.









HD and 4K Video!

The retina display is now a flash for Selfies.

LIVE Photos.

Integrating video inside the photo.

Like the pictures in Harry Potter on the newspapers.

























Pre Order Septemer 12th.

Tim Cook thanks the team. And now for the finale.

One Republic to play.



So in conclusion:

New Apple Watch features

New iPad Pro with Keyboard and Pencil

New Apple TV with Apps and Hey Siri

New Phone 6s and 6s Plus with new Camera and 3D Touch!

SEXY #Scientology Part’s 1 and 2 And WHY Laura Prepon needs to Leave Scientology

By | Life, Women, Zen | 4 Comments

Hey kids!!! Let’s talk about Sex . . . or the lack there of as presented to you by the Church of Scientology. In these two videos I am breaking down the insanity of Scientology’s OBSESSION with sex and what L Ron Hubbard REALLY thought about it.

Part 2 is Featured on THE UNDERGROUND BUNKER today along with two other videos from my good friends Chris Shelton and Aaron Smith-Levin. Check us ALL out!

Tom Cruise Saint or Sinner?

By | Life, Movies, Technology or Nerd Central, Women, Zen | One Comment

Today an EXCELLENT article about Tom Cruise came out on one of my favorite blogs The Mary Sue about Tom entitled,

“Why Do We Keep Letting Tom Cruise Off The Hook?”

Here is my response.

Thank you for this wonderful Article Carolyn! As a person who grew up in and worked for the Cult of Scientology it is refreshing to see an outsider, a never in if you will, ask this question. When I worked for the Celebrity Centre in Hollywood I can tell you the three important people in Scientology were, L Ron Hubbard the founder, David Miscavige current leader and Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise is WORSHIPED in Scientology. Every time he got a new hairstyle EVERY male member of the church would try to copy that. If he was wearing blue button down shirts, THEY wore blue button down shirts. It is sick.

Obviously his body of work as an actor is huge and growing up I was PROUD to watch his movies. As a worker in the church I was happy to see them as well. But as I left the church I found a guilt wracked me as I watched them. Does MI5 look AMAZING???? Yes. Do I want to go see it? Yes. Will I? Well I haven’t yet. He already got paid. I am sure he is probably getting some of the back end. I LOVE the rest of the cast and I want them to be successful, and the crew that worked on the film deserves money for their hard work as well.

But I know what he does with his money. He gives it to Scientology and their HUNDREDS of front groups. That money funds, child slavery, forced abortions, kidnapping, Pedophilia, and death. I witnessed these crimes first hand and experienced many of them as they were perpetrated on me. Tom Cruise IS AWARE of what the church is doing. HE IS ACTIVELY TAKING PART IN THE ABUSE OF AMERICAN CITIZENS. That is a fact.

But hey, he hung off a plane 8 times to do a 2 minute stunt for a movie so that makes everything better right?

Why #BlackLivesMatter to this White Lady

By | Life, Politics, Television, Women, Zen | One Comment

Who am I? I am a white (that is up for some debate since we found out my great grandmother on my mothers fathers side was Native American thanks to genetic testing, but we will just go with the identity I have known up till last year) woman, age 39, born in America, who actually cares about Black people. Yes I do.

Why is that you ask? Is it because of my super liberal, California upbringing? Well yes and no. Yes my mother is a flaming liberal. Like so flaming she is hot enough to be her own welding torch.  My father, not so much. He was raised in central California in sleepy Lodi. He used every racist  derogatory word. And he meant them. Sure he would make a “joke” and laugh it off like he was being funny. And he was funny a LOT. Just NEVER about these things. Once my sister and I went to visit him in Southern California when I was 12 after he and my mother had divorced. On our ride from the Airport to his apartment he was in a particularly racist mood and was doing a running commentary on every non-white person that he could see from the car. Finally I couldn’t take it. I told him in no uncertain terms that if his disgusting racist rant didn’t end he could take me and my sister directly back to the Airport and we would catch the next flight back home. He looked at me through the rear view mirror, laughing and then our eyes met. He saw that I was dead serious. He stopped.

Why did I feel so furiously about that? It could come from a lot of places really. I am a bit of an odd duck. I have always felt out of place in my body. I have felt like I belonged to another time and space. But I managed to always make friends and make people laugh. I moved a lot. I was always the new kid. I was always having to reinvent myself every few years. Just before my parents divorced in 1984 we were living in San Francisco. We lived in the Marina on Chestnut street. Back then the City was divided very fiercely into sections of ethnicity. The Marina, was mostly Asian, while the Mission district was Latino, the Fillmore was where the Black neighborhood was. So in the morning in school, my sister and I were in the minority. We were white, 90% of the classmates I had were Asian, mostly Chinese with a few kids from other backgrounds. Then after school the bus would take us to the Buchanan Street YMCA, which was in the Fillmore District. Right on the border, looking across the street you saw Japan Town. So in the afternoon we were the minority as well. Everyone was Black at the YMCA. Except me, my sister and one counselor Nick.

So all of my friends were either Chinese or Black. I thought, as an 8 year old growing up in San Francisco, this was totally normal. So normal in fact that I decided that I was in fact black. My friends from the YMCA seemed to agree. Ryante, Dante, the twin counselors Patricia and Phillip all my friends there. It was a consensus. So much so that I asked my mom to let me get a Jerry Curl in my hair. She exhaustively told me that my hair wouldn’t do that because I wasn’t Black. I was still unconvinced. I was going to do everything in my power to become what I knew I was on the inside. A fierce Black woman. I started studying Black history. I became ENRAGED with what I found out. Back in the days before google and the internet kids you had to scour bookshelves in the library, and go through microfiche, and watch old news reels. And that is what I did. On my own I learned about the civil rights movement that had happened a mere decade before my birth. I saw that things weren’t all that different. Black people weren’t free and were still struggling. I was determined to make it right. When Martin Luther King Jr.’s Birthday came around the YMCA had a speech contest. We were all to write a speech and deliver it and the winner was going to speak at an awards ceremony.

I worked for a WEEK (which to an 8 year old is an ETERNITY) on my speech. I wrote it, rewrote it and worried about it nightly. We were all going into the office one by one to give our speeches to the leaders of the Y. Finally it was my turn. When I looked up from my paper, tears were in the eyes of everyone in the room. I was shaking. I knew I was going to get to speak. I remember the night very well, even 31 years later. Lots of awards had been given out. I was the keynote speaker essentially. Everyone’s parents were there. I hadn’t met them before. My name was announced. As I walked to the stage, muttering from the crowd started. Fingers pointed. Scowling faces. I heard someone say, “Who does this white girl think she is talking about Dr. King?” I got very nervous. I thought maybe I was the wrong choice. In that moment I knew I was not black. That I would never be black.

I looked out into the crowd of angry faces. I saw my mother, beaming from ear to ear and my counselor Phillip smiling a huge smile, urging me to start my speech. Phillip had been dealing with all the other kids who had complained that a white girl was talking instead of them. He assured them it had nothing to do with me being white. It was that I had written a better speech. He warned me that at first people would be upset that I had been chosen to speak but not to worry; once they heard my words they would understand.

As I walked onto the stage, looking out at the crowd, I was pretty sure that Phillip had lied to me. People were NOT happy. I took a deep breath and I started talking, I tried my best to look out into the crowd. I decided I was just going to talk to the whole room. I went for it. I gave this speech every ounce of passion that I had. At the end I had tears as did the entire audience. People were clapping and crying and everyone hugged me after. That night I crossed the color barrier. I did get it. I think in that moment for the adults present who had lived through the civil rights movement and those who knew life before that was even a dream, saw a glimpse of the future in me. A future that existed without boundaries or limitations. One where equality would ring true with every citizen no matter how young or old they are. A future where the color of our skin was not a label that determined our destiny.

Which brings me to today. My thoughts about race haven’t changed since that night, but clearly neither that dream I had 31 years ago or the one that Martin Luther King Jr. had has come true. I wish that it had. It would be so much easier. Wouldn’t it? I mean if the color, the pigment, of our skin meant NOTHING to each other? Wouldn’t that be a wonderful place? Yes, I think it would. Instead we live in the powder keg of tension that we like to call the “United” States of America. Honestly I don’t know what we are UNITED about anymore. Anyone? Is there anything that we as Americans can actually agree on?

I have two sons. They are also white. But there is a glimmer of hope for their generations I think. I see their classes at school. Filled with kids from all different backgrounds. They look at each other like humans. That’s it. The end. Nothing else. They play with each other regardless of what they look like or what they are wearing. It makes my heart smile. I hope that never changes for them. Looking at other people as PEOPLE who are equal to them in all ways. I am teaching my kids about white privilege and that it is, in no uncertain terms, fucking bullshit. It means nothing and they will gain nothing from life utilizing it. They are to be part of the solution not part of the epically horrific problem. I think they get it. They seem to.

I want to march in the streets as much as my 8 year old self did. I see what is happening and I feel that same rage I did as an 8 year old learning about Selma. But is my voice helpful or hurtful? That is the question I face today. When I was 8 I knew everything and I knew what I thought mattered. Nothing I could think of was impossible. Now 31 years later, I wonder what happened to that powerhouse of a girl. She would have never questioned herself. She would have gotten up on a chair and shouted BLACK LIVES MATTER over and over until a crowd had formed around her and she was leading them down the block chanting. Black lives matter because Black people are PEOPLE. They are humans. They are Americans.

Dear Humans of America it is time to get up on the nearest chair and just shout it out. BLACK LIVES MATTER. Period. All voices in unison saying this loud and clear, BLACK LIVES MATTER.