Why #BlackLivesMatter to this White Lady

By | Life, Politics, Television, Women, Zen | One Comment

Who am I? I am a white (that is up for some debate since we found out my great grandmother on my mothers fathers side was Native American thanks to genetic testing, but we will just go with the identity I have known up till last year) woman, age 39, born in America, who actually cares about Black people. Yes I do.

Why is that you ask? Is it because of my super liberal, California upbringing? Well yes and no. Yes my mother is a flaming liberal. Like so flaming she is hot enough to be her own welding torch.  My father, not so much. He was raised in central California in sleepy Lodi. He used every racist  derogatory word. And he meant them. Sure he would make a “joke” and laugh it off like he was being funny. And he was funny a LOT. Just NEVER about these things. Once my sister and I went to visit him in Southern California when I was 12 after he and my mother had divorced. On our ride from the Airport to his apartment he was in a particularly racist mood and was doing a running commentary on every non-white person that he could see from the car. Finally I couldn’t take it. I told him in no uncertain terms that if his disgusting racist rant didn’t end he could take me and my sister directly back to the Airport and we would catch the next flight back home. He looked at me through the rear view mirror, laughing and then our eyes met. He saw that I was dead serious. He stopped.

Why did I feel so furiously about that? It could come from a lot of places really. I am a bit of an odd duck. I have always felt out of place in my body. I have felt like I belonged to another time and space. But I managed to always make friends and make people laugh. I moved a lot. I was always the new kid. I was always having to reinvent myself every few years. Just before my parents divorced in 1984 we were living in San Francisco. We lived in the Marina on Chestnut street. Back then the City was divided very fiercely into sections of ethnicity. The Marina, was mostly Asian, while the Mission district was Latino, the Fillmore was where the Black neighborhood was. So in the morning in school, my sister and I were in the minority. We were white, 90% of the classmates I had were Asian, mostly Chinese with a few kids from other backgrounds. Then after school the bus would take us to the Buchanan Street YMCA, which was in the Fillmore District. Right on the border, looking across the street you saw Japan Town. So in the afternoon we were the minority as well. Everyone was Black at the YMCA. Except me, my sister and one counselor Nick.

So all of my friends were either Chinese or Black. I thought, as an 8 year old growing up in San Francisco, this was totally normal. So normal in fact that I decided that I was in fact black. My friends from the YMCA seemed to agree. Ryante, Dante, the twin counselors Patricia and Phillip all my friends there. It was a consensus. So much so that I asked my mom to let me get a Jerry Curl in my hair. She exhaustively told me that my hair wouldn’t do that because I wasn’t Black. I was still unconvinced. I was going to do everything in my power to become what I knew I was on the inside. A fierce Black woman. I started studying Black history. I became ENRAGED with what I found out. Back in the days before google and the internet kids you had to scour bookshelves in the library, and go through microfiche, and watch old news reels. And that is what I did. On my own I learned about the civil rights movement that had happened a mere decade before my birth. I saw that things weren’t all that different. Black people weren’t free and were still struggling. I was determined to make it right. When Martin Luther King Jr.’s Birthday came around the YMCA had a speech contest. We were all to write a speech and deliver it and the winner was going to speak at an awards ceremony.

I worked for a WEEK (which to an 8 year old is an ETERNITY) on my speech. I wrote it, rewrote it and worried about it nightly. We were all going into the office one by one to give our speeches to the leaders of the Y. Finally it was my turn. When I looked up from my paper, tears were in the eyes of everyone in the room. I was shaking. I knew I was going to get to speak. I remember the night very well, even 31 years later. Lots of awards had been given out. I was the keynote speaker essentially. Everyone’s parents were there. I hadn’t met them before. My name was announced. As I walked to the stage, muttering from the crowd started. Fingers pointed. Scowling faces. I heard someone say, “Who does this white girl think she is talking about Dr. King?” I got very nervous. I thought maybe I was the wrong choice. In that moment I knew I was not black. That I would never be black.

I looked out into the crowd of angry faces. I saw my mother, beaming from ear to ear and my counselor Phillip smiling a huge smile, urging me to start my speech. Phillip had been dealing with all the other kids who had complained that a white girl was talking instead of them. He assured them it had nothing to do with me being white. It was that I had written a better speech. He warned me that at first people would be upset that I had been chosen to speak but not to worry; once they heard my words they would understand.

As I walked onto the stage, looking out at the crowd, I was pretty sure that Phillip had lied to me. People were NOT happy. I took a deep breath and I started talking, I tried my best to look out into the crowd. I decided I was just going to talk to the whole room. I went for it. I gave this speech every ounce of passion that I had. At the end I had tears as did the entire audience. People were clapping and crying and everyone hugged me after. That night I crossed the color barrier. I did get it. I think in that moment for the adults present who had lived through the civil rights movement and those who knew life before that was even a dream, saw a glimpse of the future in me. A future that existed without boundaries or limitations. One where equality would ring true with every citizen no matter how young or old they are. A future where the color of our skin was not a label that determined our destiny.

Which brings me to today. My thoughts about race haven’t changed since that night, but clearly neither that dream I had 31 years ago or the one that Martin Luther King Jr. had has come true. I wish that it had. It would be so much easier. Wouldn’t it? I mean if the color, the pigment, of our skin meant NOTHING to each other? Wouldn’t that be a wonderful place? Yes, I think it would. Instead we live in the powder keg of tension that we like to call the “United” States of America. Honestly I don’t know what we are UNITED about anymore. Anyone? Is there anything that we as Americans can actually agree on?

I have two sons. They are also white. But there is a glimmer of hope for their generations I think. I see their classes at school. Filled with kids from all different backgrounds. They look at each other like humans. That’s it. The end. Nothing else. They play with each other regardless of what they look like or what they are wearing. It makes my heart smile. I hope that never changes for them. Looking at other people as PEOPLE who are equal to them in all ways. I am teaching my kids about white privilege and that it is, in no uncertain terms, fucking bullshit. It means nothing and they will gain nothing from life utilizing it. They are to be part of the solution not part of the epically horrific problem. I think they get it. They seem to.

I want to march in the streets as much as my 8 year old self did. I see what is happening and I feel that same rage I did as an 8 year old learning about Selma. But is my voice helpful or hurtful? That is the question I face today. When I was 8 I knew everything and I knew what I thought mattered. Nothing I could think of was impossible. Now 31 years later, I wonder what happened to that powerhouse of a girl. She would have never questioned herself. She would have gotten up on a chair and shouted BLACK LIVES MATTER over and over until a crowd had formed around her and she was leading them down the block chanting. Black lives matter because Black people are PEOPLE. They are humans. They are Americans.

Dear Humans of America it is time to get up on the nearest chair and just shout it out. BLACK LIVES MATTER. Period. All voices in unison saying this loud and clear, BLACK LIVES MATTER.

Why Caitlyn Jenner is NOT a Hero to me.

By | Life, Politics, Television, Women | 9 Comments

 I have been biting my tongue on the Caitlyn Jenner media tidal wave. I am now going to break my silence and I am sure the blowback from this will be immense but I feel that it has to be said. Caitlyn Jenner is not a hero. Caitlyn Jenner is just a girl. 

Firstly congrats to her for finally living her truth as her true self. As a person who has put on faces and toughed out being in a bad situation and living a “lie” I get it. I do. But, and this is a HUGE but, in the 70’s after Bruce (I am using her former name because she was Bruce in the 70’s not because I don’t acknowledge fully who she is today, but to refer to her former life as it was) had 2 kids with his FIRST wife, he came out. He told her the whole deal. He was really a woman and that is what he wanted to do. Become his true self. He had the means to transition then. His wife, after first responding with denial and therapy finally respected Bruce’s choice but because she didn’t want to be married to a woman, they divorced. 

While he was SEPARATED from his first wife, Bruce took up with another woman, meeting her at the Playboy mansion. He presented himself as a heterosexual man to her. Mind you this was at the same time he had just TOLD his wife that he was really a woman. He was not upfront with her. He didn’t tell her his secret, instead he wined and dined this woman and married her. Again having TWO children with her. Then again after a few years he told his second wife his big secret, that he was really a woman and wanted to transition.

He got the adams apple surgery and started to take hormones. When his kids started asking why Daddy had boobs his second wife realized that she too didn’t want to be married to a woman and filed for divorce.  This now makes 4 kids that were partially abandoned by him. He was not a good father to them. One ex-wife even opted to not to get child support from him. But he was not there for birthdays, christmas’s, nothing.

Then he changed his mind yet again, stopping the hormone treatments. He again was presenting himself as a hetero man. Bruce meets Kris and her circus of fame and he rides that wave for YEARS and has ANOTHER TWO KIDS! Then when his final two of six children are “old enough” to understand who he really is Bruce FINALLY decides to pull the trigger on becoming his true self 30+ years later after he first revealed who he was.

He was NOT honest with the second two women that he married when he romanced them, when he married them or when he got them pregnant. He partially abandoned his first FOUR children. But none of this is being talked about. All we are hearing is how “BRAVE” Bruce was in his interview with Diane Sawyer. How Bruce/Caitlyn is a HERO for the Trans movement. A “hero” by definition is someone who does the right thing in the face of adversity, no matter the consequences, because it is RIGHT not because it is easy or convenient. I see a person who has gotten to a phase in their life where they have NOTHING to lose. So why not? It is easy to do it now. So many people have come before her. Paved the way with their blood sweat and tears and some with their lives. 

Now he is she. She is Caitlyn. As she put it in the interview with Diane Sawyer, “She” has no secrets. I get it. Caitlyn is a clean slate. She is a new person, she has just been born. And honestly, sincerely, hooray for that. Hooray that you have millions of dollars to become Caitlyn. Hooray that you get the cover of Vanity Fair. But I have a friend transitioning. Where is her parade? Where are all the parades for the THOUSANDS of transpeople out there that AREN’T reality show famous? Will Caitlyn’s story make Trans less of a dirty word? I hope so. That has been FAR too long in coming. But there were plenty of REAL  TransHERO’s before her. (Laverne Cox, Aydian Dowling and Kate Bornstein to name just a few.)

Caitlyn didn’t invent this. She isn’t the first. And she won’t be the last. But in my opinion, because Caitlyn has been born into FAME, she has the responsibility and DUTY to clean up Bruce’s mess and fix the mistakes that he made. Because they are HUGE and glaring. Good luck to her. My less than favorable opinion of Caitlyn has nothing to do with her Transition or that she transitioned. She is beautiful and has a new life ahead of her. BUT the road taken to her new shiny life is paved with too many lies and too many lives hurt in the process for me to jump up and down on the couch for her. She needs to make right what was done in the past. Maybe this is just my own Daddy issues talking, having been abandoned by my own father.

But as a parent I know one truth to be above all others, my happiness is tied FOREVER to the happiness of my children. There is NOTHING more important in the world than being there for my kids and being in their lives as much as I can. Nothing. Living your truth is part of that. I get that. But living your truth can never come at the cost of others. It can never come on the back of a gigantic lie. The abandonment, I am just having a really hard time moving past that. I feel that I just can’t celebrate her. Because she isn’t a hero. She is a beautiful woman, who I wish nothing but happiness for, but I am not baking a cake.

Canada here I come!!!!!!! (Just for a week.)

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It is official. I am going to Canada! I have never been there at all and my first trip is going to be to Toronto to speak about Growing Up in Scientology for a conference being held at the Tynedale University. I am so very excited. And nervous. Nervously Excited? That’s a thing right? I love speaking to people and I have spoken to large audiences before but it has been a while. So time to shake off the rust and get ready!

The event is happening June 22-26 and is open for anyone to attend. Prices are reasonable and I PROMISE it won’t be boring!

Check out the details and full line up of speakers here:

We will cover all aspects of the cult with the help of some of the leading experts — former members, academics and investigative journalists. It will be the first time that the global influence of the cult has been properly scrutinised. Sessions will consist of presentations by the various participants, interviews with luminaries, videos, question and answer sessions and panel discussions. We will bring together activists from around the globe.

The following stars of the counter-Scientology firmament have already confirmed that they will be available in person, by Skype or on video:

Paulette Cooper, author of The Scandal of Scientology and target of the infamous Operation Freakout.

Steven Hassan, the best known cult expert in the world, author of three books, including the best-selling Combating Cult Mind Control.

Tony Ortega, proprietor of the Underground Bunker, to speak about his remarkable new book The Unbreakable Miss Lovely.

Russell Miller, eminent biographer of L. Ron Hubbard and author of Bare-Faced Messiah.

Jesse Prince, former senior Sea Org member and David Miscavige’s auditor, with revelations from his forthcoming book.

Hana Whitfield, founding member of the Sea Org, captain of the Mission Into Time and former leading exit counsellor.

Ursula Caberta, former Hamburg Minister and driving force behind German legislation concerning Scientology.

Nancy Many, author of My Billion Year Contract, and subject of an episode of Dangerous Persuasions (which will be shown at the seminar).

Andreas Heldal-Lund, creator of, a/k/a Operation Clambake.

Arnaud Pallison, criminologist, author and advisor to the French courts.

Tory Christman, former OSA agent (and brilliant speaker).

Professor Alexander Dvorkin, for 21 years head of a counter-cult group in eastern Europe, and the main target for Scientology harassment in Russia.

Karin Spaink, journalist and long term Scientology critic, who won a long legal battle against the cult’s attempt to take down her website.

David Pike, head of FACTNet.

Lawrence Wollersheim, who was paid a nine million dollar judgement by Scientology.

Chuck Beatty, former Sea Org member, privy to Hubbard ‘advices.’

David Barrett, PhD, sociologist and author of several books about ‘new religious movements.’

John Duignan, author of The Complex.

Jonny Jacobsen, journalist, who has reported on Scientology for over two decades. Host of Infinite Complacency.

Chris Shelton, former member and advocate of critical thinking.

Nora Crest, second generation member and Celebrity Center staffer. (That’s ME!!!!)

Pete Griffiths, leading activist from Ireland and organizer of Flag Down.

Marta Gorna, Polish activist.

Professor Martin Poulter, expert on belief systems.

Steve Cannane, ABC TV presenter, author of a forthcoming history of Scientology in Australia.

The entire conference will be professionally filmed and edited, and made available to schools and universities around the world. Several companies are interested in creating a TV documentary at the conference, because of the availability of so many luminaries in one place.

The conference will cover Hubbard’s true biography, the beliefs and practices of Scientology, fair game and the intelligence agency (GO and OSA), the RPF, Narconon, finance and the IRS, the celebrity connection, Scientology under Miscavige, violence inside the cult and the exploitative techniques of hard-selling and auditing.

Other noteworthy participants have yet to confirm.

Tickets for the five day seminar and conference are priced at $120 per day or $500 for the five days. There will be concessions for those unable to afford this price. Please apply to the organizers at

AND IF YOU REGISTER EARLY it is $75 per Day and $350 for the week!

Hope to see you all there!!

Coming to YouTube Growing Up Scientology: From Cradle to Slave

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Well I am following up on all my postings here and getting serious. A couple of friends of mine and I are putting together a YouTube Channel called Growing Up Scientology: From Cradle to Slave. It is going to be a place where children who were born into Scientology, and worked for the church like I did. Some as young as 7. The more truth that gets out there about Scientology the better. Because there is an avalanche happening right now. A tidal wave of truth that is being put out by every media outlet, bloggers, twitter, just everywhere that has been created by the momentum of Going Clear. That movie just busted the doors open and is going to allow us to get all the stories out there. The children’s stories have not been told and this channel will give them an opportunity to be heard.

Please check out our trailer and toss some pennies in the pot if you can at our KICKSTARTER or at our INDIEGOGO campaign.

Also check out a little of the back story on how this got started over at TONY ORTEGA’S UNDERGROUND BUNKER.

#TODAY Show revealing that #Scientology’s Leader Spied on His Father Using Tax Free Funds

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This morning, the LA Times had a front page story about how Scientology’s Leader, David Miscavige, used tax free funds from the church to hire private investigators to follow his Father, Ron Miscavige Senior’s every move. Additionally NBC’s TODAY show did an excellent segment about this. I am sure revelation of this comes as a major blow to Ron. As a parent, there are certain lines that you never cross with family. That is out of bounds. Not in Scientology. In fact you are ENCOURAGED to not only go up against but to destroy your family if necessary.

When I was on the RPF, toiling away, it was determined that my mother was a gigantic suppressive force in my life. Mostly because she wouldn’t let me join the Sea Org when I was 12, she had the audacity to want me to get a proper education and have the opportunity to be a kid. Additionally she liked to help me. Like doing my laundry for me and taking me to movies when I could go and GOD FORBID buying me outlandish gifts like Levi jeans and tampons and shampoo. She was REALLY trying to be an “External Influence” (As Scientology calls it) you know because if in the outside world I could have as much tampons and Levi’s that I wanted it was too much sway. Because I should just be happy with the shitty clothes and no food or toiletries that I had. If I were really OT I would just make my periods not a problem and move on with my life.

I ended up writing a terrible Knowledge report on my mother. I was made to do it. I was filled with false memories and anger over imagined injustices and mostly I wanted the pain and mental anguish to stop. If writing this nasty piece of work about my mom was going to make that stop for a moment then I was crying uncle. I hoped she would never see it. I mean I was just a lowly RPFer and she was a very upstat staff member. Surely they would just shred it or something. Nope. Of course she was given it. You know what she said about it to me? Nothing. Not a damn word. Years later after I left and she took me into her home to help me become a person again, years after that when I helped her to leave the church, she finally told me that she had gotten that report. That it had torn her heart out. But despite that she still loved me. Nothing ever changed that for her. That is what it means to be a parent.

I wrote a stupid report. David had his father followed and when the person following his father thought he was having a heart attack he told the PI to let him die. I am not even sure if that qualifies David Miscavige as a human being.


Here’s the video from the Today Show

Here’s Tony ORtega’s blog with Jenna Miscavige Hill’s response to this development



#SNL SKEWERED #Scientology last night with their BRILLIANT Neurotology Spoof.

By | Life, Movies, Television, Women, Zen | One Comment

Last night the world was treated to yet another spot on Saturday Night Live spoof of a very now, very controversial topic, Scientology.

As most of you know, I grew up in Scientology. I worked for 8 years in the Sea Organization and 3 of those were spent in the Rehabilitation Project Force or RPF. Please see my previous posts for all the fun details about that.

Having grown up in Scientology you “KNOW” certain things. You know all mental health except Scientology is wrong and evil and is a billions of years old plot to control mankind and the universe by drugging and beating him into “Unknowingness”. You “KNOW” that ONLY Scientology has the answers to any question that you could possibly pose about anything because L Ron Hubbard went around the world and found the answers to every question that could ever be asked and then he wrote it all down. So no need to look further. And you “KNOW” that when you stand shoulder to shoulder with fellow Scientologists you are making the ENTIRE WORLD better because you sing songs and hand out pamphlets. These things are true and cannot and will not be debated. By anyone ever.

SNL’s brilliant Neurotology video is the PERFECT parody of the actual Scientology video WE STAND TALL. I can’t tell you how many times we were made to watch this video and sing this song. It still haunts my nightmares if that gives you a guess. But last night I laughed harder than I have in a long time. So thank you SNL. WONDERFUL!!

Here’s both videos for you to see just how well SNL did on their parody. Props to the graphics department there at Studio 8H.

How I left the #Scientology RPF and why #GoingClear is the most important film of 2015.

By | Life, Movies, Television, Women, Zen | 46 Comments

(All Scientology terms with a * are defined at the bottom of the post in the order that they appear in the post.)


Today while reading through all the responses to Alex Gibney’s brilliant Documentary, Going Clear, I came across a review of the film by an Independent Scientologist. She was insulted by the film. She was upset that none of the wins and gains were shown. That it was a rehash of “old” data about L Ron Hubbard and that it was trying to smear him and make Scientologists feel bad or dumb for being believers. I should have just kept scrolling. But I didn’t. I pleaded with her to really look at the real data about LRH*. About how he had lied about everything, including the most important thing of all, being handicapped and curing himself using his “tech”. Her response was typical. Should she “toss out” her wins because LRH did some things we all regret when we are young (I NEVER kidnapped my kids, told my husband I chopped them up and then called back saying they were alive. Oh the things young people do!)

So I decided to tell her what the tech did to me. I am putting it here on my blog for the world to see. THIS is what Scientology does. Jason Beghe touches on it for a brief moment in Going Clear as does Hana Whitfield. But here it is, the raw truth.

I have never asked anyone to “toss aside” their wins*. Feeling better about yourself or doing better is never a bad thing. What the film points out and what is hard for people to do once they are swimming in the deep end of Scientology, is to look objectively at the tech. I was a member of the original GAT* team for Celebrity Centre*. COB* talked about ME at the original event. I have 2 RTC* passes on TR’s* 0-4 and 6-9 I have an RTC metering* pass. I trained 1000’s of people. I was the #1 Word Clearer* on the planet. I still hold the record for number of words cleared in a single week. My department was declared in a state of Power* for 6 months in a row by ED Int*. I was the word clearer to celebrities and their families. I was a true believer. I was in the honor guard and I marched on stage at the New Years 2000 event. 

I spent 8 years in the Sea Org* and 3 on the RPF* because I had the audacity, at age 23, to fall in love with my roommate and kiss her. For that I was tossed out, despite my STELLAR unbeaten production record. Despite all the people I trained, marriages I saved, people I personally audited and got into Scientology. I kissed a girl. And because LRH in all his wisdom and “research” determined that being homosexual was perverted, degraded, and evil I was sent to the RPF. For three years I received 100’s of hours of FPRD*. Driving me further and further into my psyche of self doubt and loathing. Not making me better, not “Curing” me of my “Evil” sexual purposes, just making me feel worse and worse and worse about myself. Becoming more and more convinced every day that I really was evil and perverted. That I would never and was not capable of change. And then I wanted to leave because I was no good and I didn’t deserve to be a part of the Sea Org any more. I was so unworthy I BEGGED to leave. 

I did the routing out* sec check* and I did it standardly. I got a fitness board*. It was approved. After I endured 3 years of mental torture, sleep depravation and physical abuse (Two broken ribs and 2 herniated discs in my back) the RPF I/C* held on to my approved fitness board. You heard that right. My approved ticket out of the Sea Org that I begged and pleaded for. He put it in his bottom drawer for 3 months. 3 months he made fun of me. When I asked about it he would slam the door in my face and tell me to go away. He had people pressuring me to stay all day every day. Telling me how I would die. I would become homeless. I would be a prostitute if I left, a druggie. I would be lost for all millennia. That they would get my family to disconnect* from me. That I was such a downstat they would never help me. They would shun me. I would have nothing and no one. Finally I caved. Where else could I go. I said I would stay. He promptly took the Fitness board out of his desk and said, “I knew you would change your mind so I never showed you this.” I was so lost, so spun in on myself, I couldn’t even react. I was numb. 

Then a month or so later I got in trouble. I was smiling at a fellow RPFer*. We were doing our job and I smiled at her. SMILED. I got taken in for an ethics interview to find out if I was trying to have sex with her. If I had kissed her or touched her. I said calmly that this was a joke and I was not going to do this interview. I tried to leave the room. I was forcibly pushed back into my chair. I tried to get my shoes on and leave again. They took my shoes and socks. I tried to walk out again, now three people were putting me in the chair. Again I stood up now dragging three people with me towards the door. (It was 15 feet away.) Now more people came to stop me from leaving. They started to push me to the ground. I had more than 9 people piled on top of me. Each of them holding onto a different part of my body trying to stop me from moving. I was coursing with adrenaline. The door was locked. I was pounding on the door with my one free fist and screaming. Someone started opening the door from the other side, I grabbed at the side of the door with both of my hands and pulled it open with all my strength. Somehow I broke free and I ran. But again I was so delusional I ran not from PAC*, not as far away as I could. I ran, feet bloodied, hysterical to the security office. I was bleeding from my feet and my nose was fractured. I had blood all over my face. It looked like something from fight club. 

The next day my senior, Caroline Mustard, spent almost an hour screaming one inch from my face the most vile, despicable things that you can imagine. Telling me that I was less than worthless, that everyone, especially her, but everyone, including my family, would be better off without me. Because I was useless. I was a burden on everyone around me. I was a terrible person. I was scum. If she could have punched me in the face right then she would have. She wanted to hurt me and she was going to go out of her way to make me regret being alive for as long as she could. I decided to go scrub walls and cry. I did that for 2 hours straight. Crying and scrubbing and crying and scrubbing non stop for two hours. Then I decided she was right. I was a piece of shit and no one loved me. I was a pervert and I would never be better because the tech didn’t work on me because I was an SP*. I was never going to change because I couldn’t. I was so far gone as a being that Scientology, man’s one salvation couldn’t reach me. It was too late.

So I locked myself in a supply closet. I decided this was the end for me. I took a pair of scissors and I tried to slash my wrists. They were so dull. I pushed really hard, over and over again on my wrist but it wouldn’t cut. I thought to myself. I can’t even KILL myself properly! How fucking pathetic is that. Then I saw the bleach. I decided since it was industrial strength it wouldn’t take too much. I poured a large capful. I closed my eyes. All I could think of was, “I’m sorry Mom.” I drank the bleach. It was like drinking liquid fire. I couldn’t breathe. My body ached everywhere. My eyes went black for a minute. And then I fell backwards out of the closet clutching my throat. Not breathing but screaming, silently for help. Finally I started to wretch and cough. From that point forward the “Suicide drill*” went into effect. They got me off the base immediately. Megan Shields, a Scientologist Doctor, who was down the street from PAC refused to treat me. 

They took me to Olive View in Sylmar where I had to lie repeatedly to the doctor about what had happened. I had to make up and rehearse a story so I didn’t get put on SUICIDE WATCH AFTER TRYING TO COMMIT SUICIDE. The doctor didn’t believe me. Quinn Tauffer was in the ER with me staring at me as I told my story. Making sure I didn’t waiver or ask for help or try to leave. Even then. Even when I had tried to die to get out of there they were controlling me. I couldn’t even die on my own terms.

Then they sent me live at the Extended Stay America in Burbank with two other female RPFers. The next day I got 1 session to “run the evil purpose that made me want to kill myself” and then a couple of days after that I was taken to OSA* put on camera and made to sign waivers. Then they drove me home. 

Now I tell you this gruesome story not for shock and awe purposes. I tell you this to show you what the technology of Scientology does. That this is the end product. “Oh you didn’t get ‘Standard Tech*'” is what I hear all the time. Like that makes it alright. But yes, actually I did. I got Scientology. If you knew how regulated the RPF tech is you would be amazed. It is more closely monitored than ANY other aspect except maybe Tom Cruise’s sessions. These things that were done to me were right out of Flag Orders*, HCOB’s* HCO PL’s* that L RON HUBBARD wrote. I was treated the way HE thought was standard. Scientology and L Ron Hubbard’s “technology” almost killed me. Almost drove me insane. ALMOST. 

So when I ask you, Scientologists, to please, do the research, really get to know L Ron, really dive into who he was and yes EVERYTHING he did in his life because it DOES matter, I say that from a place of massive amounts of experience and love. All I want is for NO ONE ELSE to ever get to the low I was at. No technology or religion for that matter that is supposed to help people to be better should EVER make anyone feel the way I felt. Then it is not a religion. It is not help. It is evil. And before you finish this story and say, “Well that is so terrible to have happened to you. I am sorry you experienced that, that you had bad people around you who did things wrong to make you feel badly.” Like I am the only one. I am not the only one who had things like this and believe it or not WORSE happen to them. Not by a long shot. That is why Going Clear is so vital. To start to expose the truth. To let a crack of light in the darkness that is Scientology so that the ones still inside can be rescued and others can be prevented from ever falling into the trap to begin with. 

Saying that Scientology is alright because you had wins, “so it isn’t all bad” is the same as saying smoking is alright because it makes you feel good and you don’t have cancer. Scientology is evil and drives people to madness in the same way that smoking kills people. Just because something makes you feel good occasionally doesn’t mean it is good for you.


LRH- Lafayette Ronald Hubbard founder of Scientology.

wins- abilities gained or improvements in self as a result of Scientology procedures or training.

GAT- Golden Age of Tech a rewriting and reworking of the technology of Scientology that was first done in 1996 and then again in 2013.

Celebrity Centre- The Church of Scientology located at 5930 Franklin Ave in Hollywood. It is the home for Celebrities from all walks of life and yes Tom Cruise and John Travolta have both done services there.

COB- Chairman of the Board of RTC (Religious Technology Center the highest organization in Scientology and the holder of al the Trademarks.) David Miscavige

RTC – Religious Technology Center the highest organization in Scientology and the holder of al the Trademarks.

TR’s- Training Routines. There are 10 in total. 0-9. Each one deals with another level of communication. They are a requirement for anyone who wants to become a practitioner in Scientology called and “Auditor”. An Auditor is one who runs the processes of Scientology on another person.

metering- The course that teaches you how to use the Scientology E-Meter or Electro Psycometer. It is a machine that Scientologists believe help them see peoples thoughts and thereby guide the person through their therapy and help them to erase traumatic incidents from the past.

Word Clearer- a person who works in Scientology Course Rooms assisting people to understand all the words they are reading by using dictionaries and grammar books to help them.

Power- In Scientology there are various conditions of Existence. They are on a Scale from Power down to Confusion. Power being the highest and Confusion the lowest. When you are in Power, it is akin to being untouchable. You are such a massively amazing producer that no one can touch you. Nothing bad can happen to you because you produce so much.

ED Int_ Executive Director International. The post that is supposed to be the Executive Director over all Scientology Organizations on the Planet.

Sea Org- Sea Organization. A secret fraternal organization of Scientologists that pledge themselves for the next Billion Years to work for Scientology. They work an average of 75 hours a week, 7 days a week for $35-$50 a week. They live communally at the organizations that they work for and are trusted with the secret Upper levels of Scientology.

RPF- Rehabilitation Project Force this is a program located in Hollwood California at the Big Blue complex of buildings on Sunset Blvd and L. Ron Hubbard Way. This is where Sea Org members are sent who mess up on their post. Or if the engage in extra marital affairs, damage the Organization in any way or have critical thoughts about L Ron Hubbard, or COB. People have been sent there for THINKING about having an affair. Like daydreaming about it. While on the RPF you work more hours at HARD MANUAL LABOR and get paid $11.25 a week. You are required to RUN everywhere. There is no walking. You are not allowed to talk to ANYONE outside of the RPF at any time for anything unless they speak to you first.

FPRD- False Purpose RunDown. This is a process in Scientology that tracks down all of the bad things that you have done in your life, earlier and earlier until you get to the bottom of the list and find the “Evil” purpose that caused you to do all of those things. EG you stole a candy bar at work from the lounge last week. You look earlier and you did that when you were 25, earlier still you did that when you were 10 and the earliest time you did that was when you were 7. Then you would be asked, “What evil purpose did you have just before that?” And you would answer with something like, “To steal all the candy.” And viola you won’t ever steal candy bars again.

routing out- This is the team Scientology uses for leaving their employment. You have to go through a checklist of steps in order to leave them.

Sec Check- Short for Security Check. This is a process that involves getting you to confess crimes. Extremely personal and probing questions are asked over and over until you are “clean”.

fitness board- This is a process in the Sea Org that consists of a committee of people who look over evidence given by yourself and  others and determine your “fitness” to be in the Sea Org or not. It is also the committee that you have to testify before in order to “route out” of the Sea Org.

RPF I/C- Rehabilitation Project Force In Charge. This person is running the hundreds of people who are in the enslavement camp known as the RPF.

disconnect- In Scientology when you are critical of or leave the church your friends and family are required to sever all ties with you in order to continue their membership and enlightenment. This can be friends, family, co workers even minor children who are left out in the cold in order to stay in Scientology.

RPFer- Someone who is on the Rehabilitation Project Force. (See above.)

PAC- Pacific Area Command. This is the group of buildings that are located on Sunset Blvd in Hollywood.

SP- Suppressive Person. According to Scientology someone hellbent on ONLY destruction of everything and everyone. Hilter is the example they use. But they give the same title to ANYONE who speaks out against Scientology in any capacity.

Suicide Drill- This is a procedure that happens at any Scientology Organization when someone attempts suicide. There is a checklist to ensure that there is ZERO blow back on the church in any way shape or form. Basically the person is disappeared off of the property and NEVER allowed to return. All evidence of them is trashed and they are disconnected from by everyone as soon as possible.

OSA- Office of Special Affairs. Essentially the spy wing of Scientology. They are in charge of discrediting any and all dissenters and bringing all legal suits against them.

Standard Tech- This is the delivery of the Scientology in the EXACT way as described by L Ron Hubbard in his writings and lectures.

Flag Orders- These are issues written by LRH while he was on the “Flag Ship” Apollo when he first formed the Sea Org. These are the issues that govern the Sea Org and lay out it’s laws and punishments.

HCOB’s- Hubbard Communication Office Bulletin’s- These are issued on Cream paper with red ink. They contain the technical processes of Scientology and Dianetics. Written by LRH.

HCO PL’s- Hubbard Communication Office Policy Letters- These are issued on Cream paper with Green Ink. They lay out the Administrative directives of Scientology. Written by LRH.













#GoingClear a Second Viewing brings more into focus

By | Life, Movies, Television, Zen | 2 Comments

Dear World,

I will be honest. The first time I saw Going Clear, at LACMA, with my mother and a room filled with strangers I was partially terrified. Maybe someone would try and bomb the building? Maybe someone would attack us? Would security from Celebrity Centre be there to get in my face? And when certain visuals happened on the big screen, like seeing the Big Blue building in Los Angeles, looking at that monstrosity larger than life again, panic swept over my body. I had the urge to leave my seat. Leave the entire building and run for my life. As a result of the panic attack I was having for pretty much the entire movie, I missed parts of it. Things would appear on the screen, the Sea Org Contract, and memories would flood back. And I would get lost in them.

Last night, in the comfort and safety of my own home I watched Going Clear for a second time. I watched again with my Mother, Kathy, my husband Cameron, who hadn’t seen it yet but who’s story is very similar to mine, and my mothers brother and his wife who were never in. I experienced the movie on a whole other level. The buildings were this time, not larger than life. They weren’t bigger than me. So there was no terror. I watched as my Uncle and Aunt gasped and shook their heads in horror at all of the revelations. They kept looking around the room at us like, “Holy hell, how did you live through this??” Looking at it through their eyes shows how truly terrible a group Scientology is. How terrifyingly wretched they have become and really have always been.

For those of you who have just come out, or were thinking about coming out of Scientology and you watched last night, and didn’t sleep well, and are still in shock this morning, I want to say to you; It is going to be alright.

Yes those things are true. Yes they are terrible. No you did not know they were happening. You couldn’t. We, members of the Sea Org, are ordered within an inch of our lives to smile and be happy AT ALL TIMES in front of the public. We are ORDERED to LIE to you. To TRICK you and MANIPULATE you into believing the fairy tale that Scientology is not only handling ALL OF THE EVIL of the entire world but that by merely donating money you have somehow stopped a billions of years old intergalactic evil empire and are making a difference in the entire universe. For that I am deeply and sincerely sorry.

The good news. You have now peeked behind the curtain. You know that this dog and pony show is a dog and pony short of a show. Now what? Well, have a good cry. Seriously. It is alright. Let it out. Smack a pillow around for a bit and let out the anger that you are feeling. Then when you have done that, take some deep breaths. Relax for a minute. You are alive. You are an able person. And now that you know the truth you can actually, for the first time, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Yes you. The person reading this letter. You right now. Learn more. Read everything you can on the subject. Talk to more people who have left. We all have stories.

Oh but maybe you disconnected from us? Maybe you deleted us on Facebook with a nasty note. Maybe you fired us from our jobs, or wouldn’t rent to us anymore. Reach out. Do the human thing and apologize. We will listen. We have (some of us) had time to heal and learn. Listen. Really listen to your own heart and mind for the first time and be a human being again. We are all human. We are not perfect. But we are here. We are ready to tell you our stories. We are ready to help you to tell yours and to get back your life.

And for those of you reading this that haven’t yet seen Going Clear, please do see it. If you know a Scientologist, be ready to help them. They need it.

The Mysteries of Laura, why I LOVED the pilot and you should too.

By | Life, Television, Women | No Comments

Tonight I watched Debra Messing return to NBC. I was excited to see her come back and to see her anchoring a show again.

The fact that it was to be a cop dramedy intrigued me. We all know how funny she can be from her days on Will and Grace and her serious side definitely emerged on Smash, so to see a mash up of the two in a cop setting I thought was going to be something new and fun.

Well I was right. Firstly as a disclaimer I watch a TREMENDOUS amount of Television. I have three DVR’s and right now, with all the new shows that have just come out I am DVRing over 70 shows. Yes SEVEN ZERO. I am a bit obsessive. I watch almost every cop drama that is currently on TV and almost all that have ever been on since I was a kid. I watched Columbo, Kojak, Simon and Simon and Magnum PI as a kid. And I just kept on watching.

For me this show was about good old fashioned detective work. Actually looking at what is going on around you and drawing conclusions from that. I appreciated that she was observant and not a know it all like some other TV cops who won’t be named. As a mother of two boys, who at times try every nerve I have in my body and make me question my own sanity, I thought her feelings about her kids and how they acted were well played and not over the top. Her “cad” of an estranged husband, as one reviewer put it, seemed totally in place in this woman’s life, and for any person who has been married for 5 seconds with kids knows that one parent is ALWAYS the bad guy and the other is the cool fun one. I too am the major baddie in my kids lives. As my oldest son likes to call it, “My bad side.” So again I see no real over the top caricatures in that aspect.

Also the fact that a mom, who is also a detective, actually LOOKS LIKE A REAL PERSON was a relief. No offense to Mariska Hargitay, Sophia Bush, Angie Harmon or any of the numerous other fantastically beautiful women out there who are playing police on television, but it was nice to see a woman who WASN’T in a skin tight t-shirt or tank top, while being a cop. It was nice to see a woman and a mother who just looked beautiful in her own skin and was confident in herself and in her career.

I liked that her partner had her back and wasn’t derogatory to her in any way. And yes the cool white, handsome cad, aka her husband, gets it all by saving the day with the school at the end and becoming her boss. Even that I liked. Why? Because I can relate to this woman completely. She is tired, she wants the best for her family, she is working hard at home and at work and it never seems like enough. Is that because she is a woman who “wants it all” and is a failure at all of it as one review suggested? No it is because she is like ALL Americans. We ALL want it all. That is the American Dream after all isn’t it? Good job, good marriage, beautiful children, happy life. Well guess what? Pretty much no one gets all of that all the time.

That is real. That is truth about the world. About all of us. Not just us working mothers.

The show has excellent writing and Debra’s comedic as well as dramatic timing is sharp as ever. If you want to see a real slice of life with a side of sass and laughter then watch this show. It is more than worth it.

Cosmos – The most important show on Television.

By | Life, Technology or Nerd Central, Television | One Comment

Cosmos- A Spacetime Odessey starring Neil deGrasse Tyson is absolutely one of the most, if not THE MOST important shows on television.

I watch TOO much TV. I am currently DVRing over 70 shows. which is why I have 3 DVR’s. So I can get all of them. Some of them come on at the same time so multiple DVR’s, for me, is a necessity. I watched Cosmos with Carl Sagan years ago as a child and it made me LOVE the universe and wonder about it and feel like I was part of it.

This show’s new inception is even more of that. Of course the special effects that are available now are a million times what Carl had access to and the science data has evolved as well. How we see the universe now, what we know now about it and what is in it and what it is made of is so much more than we did 30 years ago.

Some things never change. You should always be polite to company and strangers. Always look someone in the eyes and give a good firm handshake when you meet them. Smile. These are constants. But the universe is changing always. And our ability to see the universe and to understand it has changed over the many millennia. That is what is fantastic about this show. It talks about not only what we know now about the universe but the journey that we took to get to this understanding.

If you aren’t watching this show, turn it on. Learn about the universe, after all we are all made of stardust. And that milky way out there in the night sky is the ultimate selfie.